Howdy everyone! My name is Kristen and these days I spend a lot of time Just Thinking!
I met my husband Bryan our freshman year at Texas A&M—true to Aggie tradition, our first kiss was at Midnight Yell and he proposed under the Century Tree. We’ll celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary this coming May 16th!
I was so flattered when Arena asked me to guest post for her blog! While I’ve had my blog for awhile, The Nerd’s Wife was the real reason that I started actively and purposefully blogging back at the beginning of 2010. This blog is one of my absolute favorites!
Which of course meant that, aside from being flattered, I was also extremely nervous. I couldn’t figure out what to write! An amusing anecdote, a tasty recipe post, a house project description? Finally, I decided to stick to what I know best—thinking! And then, of course, sharing those thoughts lol.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how to cope with unwelcome events that completely change our lives.
A little over four years ago, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, or RA (ah, the random capital letters in the title all make sense now!). RA is an autoimmune disorder where your immune system takes a swan dive off the deep end and starts attacking the tissues around the joints, causing inflammation, a heck of a lot of stiffness and pain, and joint disintegration.I have a theory—these tissues must taste like cheese. Why? Because that’s what my wrist looks like in X-Rays—Swiss cheese!
What a cheesy joke, right?
Ok, I’m done now, promise ;-).
Ok, I’m done now, promise ;-).
Anyway, after I was diagnosed, there was the obligatory period of panic, mourning, and anger. I struggled to grasp how completely this diagnosis changed my life. I suffered through moments of helplessness, like the winter’s morning where Bryan had to help me put socks on my feet because it hurt my hands too much to pull them on.
All of that struck some serious blows to to my sense of self and self-worth. It seemed as if I would have to completely recalibrate how I saw myself and my place in life. But then we found the medications that controlled the disease, more or less. I had to ask for help more—Bryan was (and is!) a God-send—but other than that I didn’t really have to change.
(The January after I was diagnosed–going out dancing with my best friend!)
That remained true up until this past fall. In August, my meds stopped working. I had to get a handicapped placard for my car. Then I found out that there is extensive damage already done to my wrists and right elbow. I was put in a brace and on weight restriction to try to counteract any more mechanical damage. In September, my doctor put me on—in his words—permanent and indefinite disability.
(My brace. I named it Paddington–so I wouldn’t hate it as much lol.)
Unlike when I was diagnosed, this time there were no medicines to undo the affects of the disease on my life and my body, no going back to my previous paradigms of self and self-worth. I was no longer the physically strong one—we had to buy a lighter vacuum! I was no longer independent—Bryan has to go to the grocery store with me now. I was no longer in control of my life—I was forced from my life a teacher, making an impact on the life of my kiddos and bringing home an income, into the roll of a housewife.
(my classroom at the beginning of the school year)
It was a very hard few months. But through the pain and frustration, I’ve learned a lot about dealing with a negative event that majorly changes your life. The first step is to go ahead and be upset and pissed off for a little while.But then, it’s time to get beyond that stage—before it swallows you up completely. After that, it’s time to recalibrate your life. Here are the don’t’s and do’s that I’ve found to help me do just that.
The Don’ts:
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Don’t ask “Why me?”That question is counterproductive. It doesn’t matter why something has happened, it just matters that
it has. The sooner you can accept that fact, the sooner you can start adjusting your life. -
Don’t ask “What am I going to do?” or “How in the world can I ever deal with this?”.Just do it. Just deal with it. Take it one day at a time. If a whole day seems to overwhelming, take it an hour at a time. Or a minute. Or a second lol. Break your life down into whatever size chunks you need to—but you still have to deal with your changing life.
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Don’t think “My life is over.”It’s true that your life will never be the same, and it’s fine to be sad about that. But as long as you are breathing, you can still have a full and happy life.
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Don’t define yourself by what you can or cannot do.This was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn. Defining yourself in this manner makes your sense of self reliant on forces outside of both yourself and your control, and that’s a very dangerous thing.
The Do’s:
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Do surround yourself with loving, supportive and positive people—who won’t let you wallow in self-pity.
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Do focus on the positive aspects of the change; try to ignore the negative.It’s so easy to dwell on what you’ve lost or what’s been taken from you. All that does is allow bitterness and resentment to ruin your outlook and your life. Instead focus on being thankful for all of the good things in your life—trust me, they’re there even on the worst days!
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Do be flexible in your definitions.For example, I used to define being useful as adding to the monetary income of my household. Now I realize that “useful” can also encompass taking care of our home, cooking, cleaning, and all that stuff.
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Do be patient with yourself.It takes time to recalibrate an entire life. It’s not going to happen in a day, a week, or even a month. Try to enjoy the journey, and when you can’t do that just hang in there while it runs its course.
And most importantly of all, from time to time, throw all of this out the window and have a good, old-fashioned breakdown! It releases stress and helps give residual bitterness and resentment an outlet.
After all, better out than in!
Of course, this is all still a personal work in progress and, I’m sure, will be subject to some recalibrating as time goes on. But just think how boring life would be if we never had to change and never had to rethink our do’s and don’ts!*****
Hey guys — Arena, here! I am so thankful to Kristen for sharing her journey with us! She is an amazing person and I am so impressed with her positive attitude and ability to make the best of her situation.
Thanks so much, Kristen!
You are an inspiration to us all!
Hi, Kristen! Thanks for filling in for Arena–I really look forward to reading this blog regularly. I have a close friend with RA, and I know it can be a daily challenge. But you must be a lot like my friend, because she too continues to revel in life despite her challenges–which can be pretty extreme.
I also want to say how much I appreciate your list of Do's and Don't's, and in fact, I think that list can be useful for many different kinds of challenges, not just physical disability. In fact, I'm going to point it out to my brother, who's just going through a divorce–I think that with a few modifications, it may be helpful for him, too.
Anyway, great post–looking forward to more!
–JJ
I admire your way of looking at things. I'm not sure if I could handle an illness as good as you can.
You really are an inspiration (:
Thanks for reading y'all! I'm glad y'all enjoyed it! And I'm glad the do's and don't's translated beyond just disease and disability–that's what I was hoping they would do! Thank you so much for your comments!
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